Lesson #15: Well can you? Sheesh!

I CAN be nice so I'll be the one to tell you that is a lot of hair, um...as in way too much, for a profile pic. Some dudes are hairy, some chicks like it...but full on furry shoulders and shit? Is it midnight on a full moon? Are we waiting for fangs and sharp claws to pop out?

The best part is not even the picture. The shaming tone in the "about me" section does indeed tell me a lot about this guy. He wants me to ask a question so I shall: Why *would* I swipe right?

Here's a tip - maybe try putting something (anything) attractive in your profile. At Least! Gah

Swiping left on Teen Wolf

Lesson #14: BBQ 'n screw

...and slow, romantic love making with unwilling, terrified women...

This sounds like an invitation to my own rape/murder party and I plan to RSVP with a big LEFT swipe.

Lesson #13: He's a Wanderer, oh yeah a wanderer!

Do you know what this makes me think?  Your left I is whack! Why are you posting half of your face? If there is something going on, we are going to find out eventually.  So be proud of what you own.  If you have a "wanderer" or straight up lost an ear.  There may be a perfect match for you.  But you'll never know if you don't show......Swipe left

Lesson #12: I like cake and stuff

So yeah. This profile description is both hilarious and depressing at the same time. Kind of like his profile picture. He has very specific qualities he would like in a date and also he likes cake and stuff. Seems relevant...

Left swipe on this ass-wipe 

Lesson #11: Because it's my job

This dude's not awesome because he wants to be, he does it because it's his JOB! If being awesome is your job then follow through on that with an awesome profile.

Left swipe on low life...

Lesson #10: Drop it like it's hot

I feel like drugs should be an obvious no-no but that's just me. Maybe he's looking for a date with a cop?

Left swipe on the druggie type...

Lesson #9: Blurry Face don't care

Maybe this dude needs some more fiber in his diet...he definitely needs a better camera. I would stay away from selfies that look like you are *ahem* evacuating your bowels *ahem* and taking a picture of it in a dirty bathroom mirror.

Left swiping on (hopefully) soon-to-be wiping...

Lesson #8: Blinded by the light!

Two words: Ross / Friends

Ok three more: no spray tans!

This pic has the potential to be a nice opener. Good smile, well dressed, clean cut. But then it looks like he colored all over it with a pink highlighter.

Left swipe on overripe...

Lesson #7: I don't!

Dear Mr. Wonderful - words escape me (ha, don't you wish!) on this one but the lifeless, disappointed look in the eyes of the bride gives this (main/only) photo a hauntingly genuine feel.

I would love to meet...the woman that swipes right on a pic like this. There can't possibly be one?!

Big, huge left swipe on Mr. Right

Lesson #6: slightly pervy, super nerdy

Good morning, Mr. [Big] Spoon - Imagine my delight when I opened up your magical profile on this fine Friday morning. I can't wait to don my matching homemade, braided leather belt-trimmed hoodie, gaze deeply into your shifty eyes and play Dungeons and Dragons with you till the wee hours of the morning...said no woman EVER.

The fact that you even mention being SLIGHTLY pervy puts you in the SUPER-PERVY category. I love nerdy dudes more than most chicks but when you level up the creep factor it's GAME OVER.

Left swipe on Frodo.

Lesson #5: No Sweaty Nakedness

I know you're working out and I can tell you're in your basement doing it...so being mostly bare and drenched in sweat is acceptable but dude, leave some things to the imagination! 

Left swipe with a bleach wipe on Mr. Sweaty!

Lesson #4: Don't be a cock

Why? It's just weird. No cock pictures please, literally or figuratively!

Left swipe on the 2 piece extra crispy

Lesson #3: Random Body Parts

Hey hairy guy with the arms and the Burt Reynolds shorts - we're not so distracted by the gun show that we can't see the weird female torso laying on your bed. Sup wit dat?

Left swipe on Dahmer, quick!

Lesson #2: WTH!?!

Dude, no. Have some dignity! I'm sure he's a fun guy to hang out with and all, but that picture is not getting him laid!

Left swipe on dat ass!

Lesson #1: Pit/Pic Stop

Never, under any circumstances, should you take a selfie or post one to your dating profile that shows a urinal or toilet in the background!

Left swipe on that no-wipe!

Class Syllabus - Intro to Tinder

Students, please take your seats so we can begin. This class is Tinder 101 - How not to scare people off with your crazy pictures and condescending About Me sections! 

OVERVIEW: There are many different approaches to getting attention and approval from the opposite sex. Tinder is well known for being used as a hook up tool to find willing partners in your locale. 

TARGET STUDENT DEMOGRAPHIC:
>You're probably a funny guy who people say is both witty and charming. You're decent looking and clean.
>You're a pretty girl with brains and personality to match.

ISSUE: Why aren't you getting right swiped on?!

Please allow me to explain. Your profile sucks. No pics, no about section, creeper look, scary face, firearms and booze - come on. Where's that Most Wanted Criminals list so I can cross reference?

Well kids, today is your lucky day. Like it or not, you'll be the winner of our free (yes, free!) not-so-constructive criticism of your Tinder profile (completely unsolicited to boot)! We'll take a phased approach beginning with your opening picture and that first reaction to your overall presence on Tinder, including private messages if we should be so lucky to get a match.

At the end of this class your profile should be ripe for the picking!